Welcome to a world of plot holes and spelling errors. Sticking with Point Horror’s 13 Tales of Horror today’s post will be covering The Guiccioli Miniature by Jay Bennett.
We join American tourist Jerry who is out and about on the streets of Venice after midnight. We know Jerry is in Venice even before the the author tells us because in the space of two sentences he mentions the Piazza San Marco, the Doge’s Palace, San Giorgio Island, gondola’s, vaporetto’s and oodles of canals (just for good measure chuck another canal in, can’t fail). Jerry is brooding on the edge of one of the aforementioned canals, when a shadowy stranger approaches him and asks him if he is an American. Rather than doing the sensible thing and running away, or you know lying, Jerry nods. The stranger is described as tall and lean with a haunted look in his eyes, hmmm … ‘Even though the night was damp and hot, he wore a coat and an old hat with the brim turned down. His hands trembled as if he had a fever.’ I’m getting strong Donald Sutherland in ‘Don’t Look Now’ vibes but I don’t recall if he wore a hat at all in that, if he didn’t though he definitely should have.
Right, okay back to this obviously troubled and quite possibly haunted and/or cursed stranger. He starts quizzing Jerry on how long he’s been in Venice and Jerry politely makes chit chat saying he’s been there a few days, Jerry you do not owe this man your time, come on dude. The stubbly stranger says ‘Maybe you can help a fellow American?’ and ‘Then he saw the man put his long hand into his coat pocket and draw out a small object that glistened in the half-darkness’ Spoiler alert, it’s not his penis, it is instead a miniature. Side note I feel the long hand description was weirdly specific and unnecessary, in Point Horror long hands and fingers seem to be synonymous with being ‘arty’. The stranger says for ten dollars Jerry can have the miniature to ‘take home to your girl’, like Jerry is a sailor on shore leave picking up some nylons for his sweetheart or something.
The stranger is pretty insistent that Jerry buy the miniature and says he painted it himself and that it’s easily worth 200 dollars (this should be a major warning sign but Jerry is a moron). The stranger drops the miniature into Jerry’s hand it is strangely cold and icy to the touch (kind of like a cursed object might be right?). The stranger continues with his campaign once again asking for ten dollars, and then asking Jerry if he is eighteen and has a girl. Okay now I’m wondering if Jerry is about to be ‘Taken’ for some sort of human trafficking ring. Also way to make assumption random stranger, Jerry may very well have a man at home, rude much?
Jerry lifts the miniature into a spill of light and see’s that it is beautiful. The stranger says that it’s a copy of The Guiccioli Miniature, the original of which is in a museum in Florence, he stayed in the museum day after day to copy it’s likeness.
It was the face of a very beautiful woman with brown, liquid eyes and auburn hair. Her features were small and perfectly shaped. But it was the eyes that haunted Jerry – the amazing eyes.
Liquid eyes? So they were oozing out of her skull or she had conjunctivitis? Either way, gross. Just in case we’ve forgotten that this is all occurring in Venice we have a brief interlude where Jerry watches a GONDOLA on the CANAL. Then Jerry realizes with a shock that Lord Byron, the great romantic poet (and spreader of syphilis) had been in love with Teresa Guiccioli and he must have had the picture painted of her to carry while they were apart. Why is this a shock? Why does Jerry know this? Will any of this be explained? No, no it will not. The stranger again pleads for Jerry to buy the painting saying he needs the money badly and reiterates that the original is worth 100 grand (we have taken a big leap in value here, 200 dollars to 100 grand, suspicious much?). Jerry does a bit more GONDOLA watching and decides to take pity on the stranger.
The stranger seemed so desperate, so alone, so filled with dread.
Jerry’s internal monologue
Jerry hands over the cash and the stranger tells him in a new mocking and bitter voice, ‘It’s the best buy you ever made’, somehow I doubt this. Jerry politely asks the stranger where he will go now and he ominously replies ‘Where can a doomed man go?’ and then fades into the darkness with his eyes glittering. Jerry stands a while longer staring at the CANAL (because he is in VENICE) then he spends an entire paragraph walking back past all the sights mentioned earlier, to his lodgings in a little boarding house that we are supposed to think is shabby chic as it has peeling walls. While he is walking he fancies that he is being followed (thus enhancing my Taken fears).
Jerry looks at his newly acquired miniature and thinks about Byron’s poetry some of which he remembers from English class. He stares at The Countess Guiccioli’s terrifying beauty and suddenly the stubbly strangers glittering eyes and final words come to mind, ‘Where can a doomed man go?’, as if in response the miniature grows even icier to his touch and his hand becomes clammy, the beautiful face of The Countess becomes repellent. Jerry inexplicably runs over to the mirror, he see’s his own face staring back at him, yet it has changed somehow. ‘His face was now white and drawn with fear. His eyes had become two black pools’, oh okay so Jerry has been taking psychedelics? Did he have a magic mushroom risotto for dinner?
Jerry feels as though by purchasing the miniature he is now also doomed, the stranger has passed the curse onto him (sleep it off Jerry it’s probably just the drugs). He turns the light off and stands in the dark staring out at the CANAL. Jerry’s face is described as being tight with fear (well I guess it’s a cheaper alternative to botox) and he thinks he must look as scared as the stranger did when they made their infernal bargain by the CANAL (because VENICE). He has a troubled nights sleep, waking several times, at one point he jumps out of bed sure that he has heard something, at this point he breaks out in a cold sweat (it’s the drugs leaving your body dude, chill) and decides he can no longer stay in his room. It’s then Jerry thinks the door knob to his room is slowly turning, he screams loudly like the big girl’s blouse he is and the knob ceases turning. After waiting a couple of minutes he opens the door and peers out into the corridor but it’s empty. Relieved Jerry returns to staring out the window at the CANAL (because once again, he is in VENICE) and makes a decision, he picks up the miniature gives The Countess one last ogle and throws it out the window, down into the dark water where it disappears with a splash.
He immediately feels better, as though a great weight has been lifted from him. For the first time since he met the stranger Jerry feels like himself again. He has a jolly laugh to himself and returns to bed where he sleeps soundly. We rejoin Jerry the following afternoon when he is sat on the plane for his flight home, he settles back in his seat to read an Italian newspaper but on the first page is a picture of the stubbly stranger he had met by the CANAL. In the picture the stranger is laying on a cobblestone street , his face turned up to the sky, he is not having a little lay down or doing an art installation, he is in fact dead! *gasp*. He was one of a gang of three men who had stolen The Guiccioli miniature from a museum in Florence, except he’d double crossed his partners and done a runner with the miniature. His disgruntled partners had caught up with him in Venice, the police had captured the murders but were still desperately searching for the priceless miniature. Jerry puts down his newspaper and a passing stewardess asks him if he is okay, he does not reply.
What the actual f*ck? There was no curse, no cursed object, no being ‘Taken’, nothing! How did this get included in a Point Horror anthology? Where was the horror? Is the horror simply that Jerry is an idiot who threw a priceless painting in a CANAL because it made him feel a bit funny? Damn it Jerry! Side Note: Anyone else feel like this could be an actual Jerry plot from an episode of Rick and Morty? Or Parks and Recreation?
Well that was disappointing wasn’t it? I promise the next story is better (but it’s still a Point Horror so …), next up we have Blood Kiss by D. E. Athkins, the fourth story from 13 Tales of Horror. You’ll also pleased to know I have some Point Romance stories winging their way to me so we can change it up a bit.
Until then, Good Night out there, whatever you are.
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